Welcome to Week 1.

It's officially overreact week. Is your team busted? Is it time to trade away that first or second round blue-chip player? Don't worry that player, and your team are completely fine, and that guy you sank a ton of draft capital into is a totally necessary contributor you'll need (just like ANT MAN and WASP).

Except for you A.J. Brown. Except for you...

A bunch of villains did well this week. It could be a Doomsday after all! Or maybe it's Loki season? The kid's up to some new tricks.

Let's dive into the battle-damaged battlegrounds of our first week as our universes have officially collided... so how'd your hero fare?

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Too much "iron" in McConkey's blood??? Sorry X2 quote. This aging millennial dad can't help himself. Thanks to Jaylen Waddle and pisspoor play from the Broncos bucking offense, this matchup ended up closer than it should've been. Josh Allen did Josh Allen things. Rawb did Rawb things as another dropped player from his drafted roster absolutely popped off. It’s another year of fantasy football with the Fellowship! Strong RB play and missing in action bench players spell a nice future for Magneto. Even if Jaylen Waddle should’ve been a speeding bullet as opposed to a tiny nail falling off a desk. Katie, on the other hand, found herself in the mental prison of the Red Room this week. Pollard stayed true to Rawb’s view of him last year. LaPorta couldn’t eat in a crowded offensive scheme. And James Cook got cooked by David Montgomery. Worse… A.J. is sidelined until November. Not a great start for the Russian assassin turned Avenger. She’ll have Santa in her crosshairs next, and Magneto will need to have the moves against Bully Maguire.

Scarlet Witch and Groot, caught in a grudge match. One just wants to auto draft Sleeper and Groot. And the other is a sitcom witch that would just as rather use the tree alien as firewood for her hearth. She's still a good guy technically, right? Right? Hurts and Jeanty appeared buoyed by black magic. It doesn’t look like the Darkhold completely buffed Tuten and Tre Tucker this year. The stack of Lamb and Ferguson also left Scarlet Witch’s powers drained. It was, nevertheless, enough to hold off Chunk’s first matchup in the Fellowship. Tim had Lamar and a decent enough game from the eater of crayons. Seriously though Drake London? That guy played like Joaquín Torres in Brave New World against the Steelers. Tim’s going to need his team of Avengers and Guardian of the Galaxy sidekicks to pull their weight in a somewhat even matchup against the baby shark. Next up for Wanda is J.A.R.V.I.S.—here’s hoping she isn’t blinded by her, ahem, bias toward machines in the coming fight.

If we're overreacting, it's Loki's throne this week! Jimmy looked mighty comfortable. JSN's floor in a low scoring game looked like every other WR1's ceiling, huh? Other than Jalen Coker I guess... Caleb, Bucky, and JSN oh my! There was no slight of hand here other than getting Caleb for an absolute steal at 117th overall. Can the Chicago quarterback stay THIS hot? Kyren put in some decent work, and Rome’s probably more likely to put up those Mike Evans numbers on average. As one younger Fellowship tenured member rose, another younger member’s stock fell a bit. Detroit Lines had some high expectations and projections, and well, there’s at least the Shadowcat phasing RB duo putting in that mutant work! Sonic looked like the true Detroit blue blur. Javonte, too, had two strong DK-like finishes in the endzone to save a Dallas loss. One has to hope that Coleston Loveland doesn’t tie with Kyle Pitts all season long… losing to Cole Kmet?! Sutton was also phasing in and out of the game on MNF for Denver. Kitty Pryde’s going to hope she regains her lost pride, and a little bit of ground, in an important mutant matchup against Rogue and the B’s. Jimmy, meanwhile, travels to Asgard to prove if he’s really worthy against the champ: Thor.

J.A.R.V.I.S. ... offline? This matchup of the week tells us that dreams really do come true! Alex had never won against Trevor prior to this bout. Seventh time’s the charm! It was a close, grind-it-out victory until it wasn't. Before MNF this was quite the close matchup—believe it true beleivers! Santa's already right at home leading the Lemons’ charge. Now, will Mahomes be THIS good all year? Is K9 really real after leaving the Seahawks high and dry for disrespecting him? Zay Flowers (albeit coming away with a hamstring injury) and Egbuka also contributed to the LuLu second place power ranking this week. Carnell Tate and Harold Fannin? You’re the next two reindeers up to lead the sleigh in week two. Hope for the bane of humanity isn’t over yet, nonetheless. My old pal Chuba still isn’t ready to give up his spot on the depth chart, and Justin Jefferson looked elite [WITHOUT Kyler Murray under center ha ha laugh track successfully inserted]. Those bright spots will have shine brighter than LED lights next week against Alyssa, while Santa takes on Black Widow.

These aren't the Bs you're looking for! Dom had a better line—this reporter forgot to quote him. While yours truly pleaded with Haribo to pick a few other players off her constraint (self-imposed), it didn't matter. She still had plenty of them on her team. Rogue sucked the powers of sucking, and the team laid an egg. Bodega surged up in the power rankings on ESPN too! The most out of any league manager as he climbed five full spots. Only DOOM can spell doom like Doom can. Brock looked real prurdy and the Sun God blinded all who took Chase over him in the draft. Yet, it was an offsensive clinic with Caleb and Swift raining points all over their fantasy managers that made this team look like a stacked Marvelous villain for this league’s season. Hell! Christian Watson was on the bench. Rogue will need to absorb games where Marvin Harrison had potential, and bellcow Barkley of seasons past, to overcome the sentinels in the way of her championship match revenge. It starts with a Bark former owner in Jess next week, and the road to Doomsday has the slight obstacle of one Tom Holland in his way.

From Toilet Bowl to a sinking last place finish this first week... let's face it true believers... Emo Tobey is either a GOATED troll pick or a harbinger for plenty of low finishes to come.The Beerserkers' came in charging with hammer in one hand and stormbreaker in the other. You should've gone for the goon! We all knew Bijan was electric, but the Norse God clearly had the foresight of Odin as Nico Collins and DJ Moore looked poised to dominate in their roles this season. Goony… I mean TONY wasn’t actually so far off from the other median scores. Breece Hall didn’t shatter, and Trey McBride danced into the endzone and had nine jazz hands catches to appease his emo owner. However, Dak’s jacked muscles went limp against the Giants, and Ja’Marr Chase shrank at the sound of thunder against TB. He’ll look to bounce back next week against Rawb, and Thor fights his adopted brother Loki in a very tantalizing high scoring matchup.

Smeagle OP 2026? Josh came in SWINGING with a flurry of proportionate spidey-strength punches and acrobatic kicks, like the heavyweight 2 billion dollar box office gross brand he is. Jeff, meanwhile, was beached and no player on either team called him cute this past week. Not a one. In spite of Kyle Pitts acting like Kyle Pitts once again this season, Spider-Man bulldozed his way to 1-0 with a stellar game from Derrick Henry. He had a similar crazy start last year too! The rest of his RB and WR room were nowhere to be seen, except for BTJ archnemesis Parker Washington. For everyone’s favorite baby landshark, the bright spots were Jaxson Dart and Dalton Kincaid. Olave the other players better pick it up next week. Ron’s got a date with Groot, and Peter Parker’s meeting Victor Dom Doom this weekend.

There you have it.

Sending this out as the Thursday matchup of Bills v. Lions gets underway.

We could have a classic shootout on our hands... or something much worse. This early in the season? It's ultimately hard to predict. It’s like comparing Iron Man (2008) with The Incredible Hulk in terms of their movie quality. One's a revered all-time classic that set in motion an entire brand and cinematic universe. And the other had a contract-disputing Edward Norton and Liv Tyler.

HULK WANT WEEK TWO! HULK SMASH PROJECTIONS.

But no one in the Fellowship want Hulk.

Go and get your Ws folks. This is the time to assert your dominance. Good luck heroes and bad guys alike!