The Avengers and the Fellowship have survived so much. The pandemic. Writer’s strikes. Colin Kaepernick.

Wait… I’m getting the MCU and the Fellowship of the League past lineups mixed up. I think the multiverse is collapsing, guys. Quick, someone take Alvin Kamara off waivers so I don’t start another geriatric, past-his-prime battler.

Welcome to fall Fellowvengers. If you’re in the New England area like yours truly, welcome to another overblown Nor'easter storm that hit Jersey way haaarder. I’m sure there’s a perfect storm on the horizon this year NOT named Diana Russini.

We have a lot to recap this week. Some heroes continue to rise. Some villains dominate.

And still… the presence of a trickster God who was once the apple of every millennial woman’s eye (am I talking about Jimmy or Tom Hiddleston—YOU decide!) looms large over both MCU and Fellowship fantasy multiverse.

This is week three….

Meme of the Week

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Can a shark drown? I’m asking for Jaxson Dart and now Bryce Young apparently. The Browns defense weren’t none too kind. Those treacherous waters appeared all over the land shark’s lineup, as the Asgardian god of mischief used the TVA to ensure no one but Olave was relevant this week. Meanwhile, Bowers came in like a tidal wave of avenged draft capital. Truly! Glorious purpose realized in full! While JSN did what he does best, he showed the rest of the league that a truly healthy WR1 is a superpower worth a first-round draft pick. Is this the year of the sacred timeline? I know Gen Z loves to say ‘chopped’ pejoratively. However, true Fellowship multi-league vets understand that a ‘chopped Jimmy’ is a mogging sigma.

Jimmy therefore must be grinning mischievously, because this was the widest margin of victory this season by far and the 9th largest in league history.

On the horizon, Jimmy will look to score his first-ever W against Alyssa next week. Similarly, if Ron beats Tony, then they’ll draw even in their H2H matchups. Although I think Jeff is about to find that Tobey’s got some dirt for his eye.

I am Groot. That was Chunk postgame. He really meant to say, “I am fucked.” After Drake London’s monster Thursday, Groot was seeing triple Magnetos floating above his head. A big Thursday Falcon-pop does not translate into dubs…especially if we’re looking at a Bodega Domsday threat that this Fantasy Football multiverse* has never seen before.

The Bodega Cats remain unbeaten. Just what Doctor Doom ordered and prescribed. Sorry Tim. That was quite the first matchup against the commish. The SF comeback tour continues! It’s helped keep Doom ahead of the MCU this season as this week the 49ers helped account for 103.43 points from 5 different starters.

Dom draws Rawb next, and in their H2H battles Bodega Cat leads 6-3! According to the projections, this could get ugly, and he won their last bout by over 40 pts. Tim, meanwhile, takes on a drowning Haribo: a fight for the MacSucken' — could this be a suck-off for a destiny drench in Jeppson's Malört???

Will this newsletter have ads for the famous, delicous Swedish liqueur? Only if Steve Rogers will film one for the Fellowship.

*Editor’s Note: Yep true believers. We’re spelling it out! The newsletter is a true-to-life documentary following the scores, matchups, winners, and losers of our fantasy football league. What once was a simple game between friends and their wives has turned into a multi-brand, parody fair use multiversal journey where weekly shit talk is one GRRM joke away from the famous author sending us a cease and desist if the past newsletters ever got sent his way.

Widow’s bite really must sting. For Haribo, fantasy sure is a big B right now. Barkley has really been all bark, no bite this season. Luther was less of a burden but still not quite dog enough to catch Kong’s tail in this matchup. Finally, BTJ was also another lowlight in the lineup. Seriously, why must we continue to relive the pain of this 78th ranked WR week after week? Can we call for a trade, or better yet, an early retirement for this athletic shyster?! All in all, Burrow’s practically begging for someone else on the Rogue squad to step it up and save this X-Men offshoot.

Kong can breathe a big sigh of relief. No memories of the Red Room this week as she avoids going winless. James Cook is high-key saving the playoff dream this week.

Next week, Katie plays Trevor. Their last matchup was a doozy. Trevor won by over 70 points!

I swear this isn’t me being a biased player and author. The rest of the games were pretty big blowouts, so who else but Rawb would hold the precious Suck-Off of the Week. Yes, both managed rosters came in woefully under the ESPN projections like Stark Enterprises’ stock price following his capture in Afghanistan. However, this was the tightest game, with only 2.60 pts separating the players here.

Magneto tried to rend the computer hardware housing the Stark proprietary AI inside of it. Alas, his powers were just dulled enough after his last-second defeat at the hands of Bully Maguire the week prior that he was foiled again just in the Nix of time.

Yes, you read that right.

Bo couldn’t get it going all game, and he couldn’t waddle enough completions toward his star, former Dolphins wideout, so the brick-munching, oxygen-starved hope of Denver simply Hulk-smashed his way through penalty after penalty to win against the Rams … all while torturing Erik Lehnsherr in the process.

If only Josh Allen didn’t emulate the deadbeat dad energy of Magneto (father to Quicksilver AND Scarlet Witch), then maybe Bo Nix wouldn’t have led Rawb to crash out for the zillionth time on MNF!

Hey, let’s go easy on the leader of the Brotherhood of Mutants. He’s struggled with defeating a wheelchair-bound rival year after year before the X-Mansion ever made strides toward accessibility. For JARVIS, there’s plenty of buggy code in need of some patching. Nevertheless, Jeremiyah Love’s back is starting to hurt, and Chuba Hubbard still hates the Rawblins. Also, you may want to get your Justin Jefferson and Rico Dowdle apps fixed. That may help in the long run, just sayin!

So now (no thanks to Drake Maye) Trevor is 4-2 against Rawb. He’s still alive this year despite some very shaky play across most of his lineup.

Just like a computer! They work nearly well enough for us to not throw them out.

Something’s clicked over in Spider-Man 3 land. In that universe, they’re green-goblin-lighting another Sam Raimi franchise sequel. Kirsten Dunst is on board. Hell, after today’s victory, maybe it’s time to resurrect James Franco’s career? The jazz gyration continues. Not even Wanda Maximoff can resist a Viva Las Vegasing Travis Kelce, triumphant and resurgent like a Swiftie mid-karaoke set of Love Story.

Bully Maguire has truly bullied his way up the Power Rankings. Wanda, however, does have a top-3 WR in CeeDee Lamb. That was enough to push her just above RawbPeople to make the top 5 this week.

It was also Tony’s first-ever win against Alyssa! One Sam Raimi-directed character, the OG—the GOAT even, over the other. While the double TE stack with McBride and Kelce is working for the WoW, 360-no-scope Halo snipin’ legend, one may want to keep their eyes on Breece Hall’s health (again). It seems like everyone’s favorite B-tier Avenging running back wants to jet away from fantasy football hall of fame contention once more.

Thor got caught in Kitty’s shadow. Cat got his tongue and hammer! While Jess didn’t get much out of her WR2, Flex, and TE, she got a crazy popoff from the number one overall pick, Gibbs. In that Detroit-NY matchup, Garrett Wilson also reached his highest peak this season. Last year’s MVP, Stafford, was no slouch either! Speaking of slouches, soft-dicked Justin Herbert clearly lacked any Asgardian charge this week. Bijan was the sole defender on the rainbow bridge, with a crazy seventh 30 point game in league history. Jadarian Price (and most of the Seahawks RB room, in fact) cowered in fear as JSN ate on the field. Etienne was out of commission like Odin (and that back seems to be aging like Anthony Hopkins too I’ll add). And Oronde Gadsden made less of an impact than Laufey, the king of the Frost Giants in the MCU. Seriously! Gadsden’s not even worthy enough to be a part of the Warriors Three with performances like that. I’m not counting out last year’s champ yet, but this isn’t an ideal start for the Beerserkers. Can any hero step up and challenge DOOM, Loki, or—hell—even Santa?! It can’t just be Spider-Man 3 versus every bad guy.

After this week’s blah and bunder, the Beerserkers next take on LuLu Lemons. It’s Thor and Santa mano a mano. Last time, Tom won by over 40 pts. Can Alex live up to his lofty projections and avenge that lopsided loss with another smackdown of his own?

On the other side of the MU, Jess plays Josh. She leads 2-1, and while it looks like she’s just starting to heat up, a battle-damaged Spidey will be desperate to get back on track after his last fight…

“Mr. Claus I don’t feel so good.”

“Never fear. Kris Kringle is ho-ho-h-hereee!”

Santa hissed in Peter Parker’s ear, a maniacal grin shining through his bushy beard. His arm raised, an Infinity Gauntlet gleaming in hand. Towering over the webhead, we see a “FUCK QUARTERBACKS” tattooed on his chest in Avenged Sevenfold font visible from under his red coat, now cut into a deep vee.

Santa had been at this game for so long that he was now being rebooted. Rebooted as a very grimdark, Lobo-style character. And fuck, he looked fucking better than ever.

His sleigh was surrounded by a posse, his players of course: there was CMC wearing an armband reading “ageless,” Kenneth Walker wearing a Rottweiler mask with K9 stenciled over his brow, Harold Fannin Jr. in a Christmas sweater with a picture of Comet emblazoned on the front, and all of the Vikings Defense drinking mead Edward 40-Hands style.

Peter, unmasked, bloodied, and bruised from years of taking the IR punishment (doubly ironic as CMC was now healthy and cooking him), desperately reached for Jayden Daniels. The commanding quarterback was racing toward Santa’s end zone… but it was too late. Chase McLaughlin, leading the sleigh, crashed into him with a force harsher than a thousand winters. Both of Jayden’s arms were broken. Derrick Henry and De’Von Achane tried to brave Santa’s omega mutant-level powers, keeping the Christmas terror at bay, and for a moment it looked like they had done it! Even Davante Adams and Terry McLaurin came to the web head’s defense… but it was all for naught.

Achane was hurled off the George Washington Bridge, and his neck snapped. Broken by every fantasy manager’s hope that he’d be the lone bright spot of a very turbulent Dolphins offense.

Peter searched for words. Years in the NFL universe had made his life a continuous hell. It was like some force always knew exactly how to hurt him. And now… this fat, jolly son of a bitch.

“Why?”

He at last managed a soft croak.

“Why are you doing this?”

Santa looked down at his fist. His determined face reflected in the glossy artifact of power. Three victorious stones shining brightly up at him. Not a full set. Yet.

Santa Claus smiled that maniac smile once more and whispered one phrase over the battered hero.

“Three titles.”

Wow. What a monumental week. Heroes and villains continue to make their case. 

Keep an eye on those lineups, and remember, rivalry week is sneaking up on us. 

Don’t count yourself out of the game if you’re down. Character arcs just don’t up and resolve in the third week of the season.

Written and Directed by Rawb

Produced by Beerserker McGrath

Executive Produced by Bodega Dom

Art and Design by Domino

Starring the Fellowship

…

Loki, unbeknownst to the rest of the league, walks out of the TVA, a TemPad and hard drive in hand. Precious cargo. A piece of tape with ‘KANGS’ written across it in Sharpie. A time door opens up… and in the distance, through the doorway, a faint blue glow is barely visible. Loki walks through, and the door disappears.