Brandon Aubrey’s foot connected with the football.

It was a clean kick. Just like how Steve Rodgers’ shield throws used to be. Clean.

That final extra point for the Dallas Cowboys was the last insult to injury. Groot’s brambles were in shambles. The bits and lines of code reconstituted in a celebratory sequence of emoji.

“Victory achieved, sir.”

J.A.R.V.I.S. was no stranger to winning. He was accustomed to it. It would be a wonder to have a physical form. The stray thought was as faint as it was fleeting.

DING. DING. DING.

A Teams call pinged the holographic form. The AI’s blue hue, luminescent HUD in his system enlarged the image of a jolly, chubby bearded man. The live video feed showed the purple specks in his beard and small gold dots peppered under his eyes, glowing like infinity freckles as his massive visage nearly took up J.A.R.V.I.S.’ whole screen.

“Ho ho ho!” The jolly man bellowed. “Well done. You’ve made Santa proud. The east is the best once more!”

“But you’ve lost? How can you be happy?” The Algorithm was working overtime to calculate Santa’s chances. On a distant Battleworld planet, Loki was polishing a scepter, JSN engraved on its haft. It was as if he could see the future successes of the league’s number one WR.

“Oh ho ho. Let the false god pretend at his throne. Everyone will know now that the real titans and best ladds are in the east with me!”

Santa and the projected hologram looked on from the stadium box, standing tall over a football field of Vikings defenders.

Jolly Saint Nick tapped his nose and beamed a big smile.

“After all, percepcion is everything!”

*(Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week)

Week 7 continued a trend that we saw last week, where only a single player scored over 30 pts (LuLu’s very own CMC) in the eleventh hour on MNF. This week had just two players pass that same thirty-point threshold. And the trickster God had one of them: JSN. We’ll get to that other performance, trust me.

It was a tough day overall for Santa in the first matchup of the week. First, he lost his starting kicker in a game of waiver wire musical chairs. Then, he had to watch KC Concepcion finally steal some shine away from Denzel Boston…while on his bench. (We don’t need to state the obvious regarding the goose egg laid by the entire Chiefs offense on SNF.) So why’s Santa still feeling so jolly? Well, for starters, he’s third in total PF when it’s all said and done. If CMC is dealing with significant hamstring issues, the 49ers are on bye next week, which gives him that much more time to recover (plus, Santa already checked his list twice and drafted Kaelon Black). So he’s not worried. No matter who suits up in SF, Santa’s still coming to town, one way or another.

Unlike Loki, not only in town he’s practically the mayor, who’s practically skipping as Josh Jacobs was activated like the Winter Soldier for Green Bay. And just like everyone on Bucky’s bad side, the Fellowship felt true fear at an already stacked team adding yet another productive piece to their juggernaut.

It’s no trick. Loki’s at the top of the league, even with two losses, as he’s got the most points for and is showing no signs of slowing down. He’ll look to build on his stellar season against Tobey and his jazz-trained team of gooners. Santa, meanwhile, will look to bounce back following his first loss against Groot! Can Groot offload the MacSucken' onto Kris Kringle?!

Scarlet Witch wielded Mjölnir with familiar precision. It had been a while since anyone was strong enough to claim it from her. Even though her rival had come close a few weeks prior, it mattered not. The Scarlet Witch would have her day in the Fellowship.

“You took everything from me!”

Stunned at her venomous wrath, Magneto casually levitated, using his powers of magnetism to float as the witch’s DeMario Douglas and King Tet hexes imploded harmlessly below him.

“I don’t even know what you mean, daughter. I haven’t won in this league since the age of BigBoiSteve and Mickey Mouse, when six league managers drunkenly birthed this league in their mid-twenties…”

His eyes glowed a deep purple as his right arm raised, sending a battering ram of Jonathan Taylor and Ollie Gordon (the second). The charging force of RB magnetic energy sent her backward into a building. Crashing. The city of Paris in the late afternoon loomed large behind them.

Wanda was dazed. “Father…?”

Magneto chuckled. “In this universe? Yes. But in the Fellowship of the League? It is only the East ‘sonning’ the West yet again.”

The Scarlet Witch raised her hands, pink electricity crackling from her fingertips. Teeth clenched, she let out a soft, defiant chuckle under a wicked smile, “Fool. Josh Allen is on BYE this week. You cannot beat the power of Love. Jordan Love.”

Magneto considered this… and raised both hands.

“The power of the AFC North! Magneto commands them as if the people were his own!”

Wanda, CeeDee Lamb, Ashton Jeanty, and the rest of her team could only look on in awe as rust belt steel fell on her from the heavens. She was buried underneath a pile of steel girders.

Mjölnir fell to the earth with a heavy boom. A single, magenta-armored hand reached down, fingers clasping around the handle.

Rawb improves to 8-4 against Alyssa. He’ll try to draw even in the series against Jess next week. She currently leads 2-1 in their head-to-head. Alyssa, meanwhile, hosts the Beerserkers, in desperate need of a dub. The drinking ball club leads their series 6-4.

Tony Pollard. A true Rawblin through and through. Not only was he the top RB…he was top dog of the whole league! That’s big potatoes. From Rawblin to Black Widow, I think it’s time we give Pollard his flowers…if only the rest of the Red Room were trained to pop off at the same time as their fearless Tennessee leader. Even “Nine” couldn’t really do much to help the western conference cause. Muth and LaPorta couldn’t even go for more than seven points…combined. Instead, the rent came due and a dancing bully paid in full with Dak, Trey McBride, and Rhamondre Stevenson. They all covered Breece Hall’s tab at the jazz bar. Even Tre Tucker managed to ball out for a consecutive week from the bench! Impressive! The East certainly was proud of Spider-mean this week. He walks away with a win, a win above .500, and a solid total PF to put him right in the mix for playoffs.

While Santa lost to the temporal phasing, multiverse-hopping god of mischief, the east were winning so far 2-1 overall. A great start for Santa’s little helpers…

Like Paul Bettany, the Algorithm’s J.A.R.V.I.S. this season has squeaked by on charm in quite a few battles. This is his third win in a matchup where the margin of victory was decided within 10 points or less. He’s 4-3 now after the 0-2 start, and if he had won that close matchup last week against the Bully, then we’d all be screaming for ESPN point audits! Seriously. That would be some industry plant type shit. All jokes aside, the collective resurgence of Drake Maye and Malik Nabers have helped the AI’s cause a TON. Xavier Worthy didn’t exactly get the memo that Trevor needed him for the big East vs. West showdown in the Fellowship (even with a sidelined Rashee Rice). And the less said about the weirdness going on with the undefeated MN Vikings, the better—the only place you’d find Justin Jefferson these days is in a show like Ironheart on Disney+, I guess? Justin griddy twice in the camera (from the sidelines) if you need help.

Groot’s parched, water-starved season shutout continues. No dubs in Civil War. No dubs anywhere in the multiverse, period. Needless to say, those roots are in desperate need of watering and nutrients. After the bagel last week, Cam Skattebo came to save the day! If only he, Drake London, and a game-ready Ryan Flournoy could’ve found just two more points. Tim set a perfect lineup too! He seriously needed a variant to come in and save the day.

At this point, Groot doesn’t just need a Rocket Raccoon to turn this Mephisto train from hell around…no, he needs the ENTIRE Guardians of the Galaxy to help.

Here’s hoping he’s not trending toward a Jackrabbits faceplant-photo-finish. Next week’s matchup against the LuLu Lemons Kringles will be extremely important. Drake London, it’s time for you to hard carry this tree. Groot needs to grow! Moving away from the North Pole, the Algorithm looks to stay undefeated in his H2H series against the Smeagles. Spidey’s 0-4 against the machine, and he’s looking to do better, senator.

Doom sat upon his throne; in his armored palm he held a statue of Will Reichard, kicker of the Vikings. Stolen from the jolly fat man.

“This league continues to amuse Doom...”

In the distant background, beyond the castle walls of Doomstadt, a small red dot led by a dozen reindeer cried out.

“You’ve taken Reichard from me! That makes you very naughty!”

Doom must be disappointed with his fellow West brethren. Of course, the iconic villain wanted to rule over the Fellowship with an iron fist, what with no united Avengers front left to oppose him. Fitting that it was another hero (maybe villain or is it antihero?), who also refers to himself in the third person, to completely stymie his plans for league domination! So while he lost the war against Santa, he continued to rack up battle wins.

Kitty was left pryde-less in this blowout loss. Swift, Warren, Pickens, Kittle, and an overachieving, booming Sun God all must be Doom Bots. The collective legion of Doom smashed out of his Latverian home base and protected his Latverian home field, averaging well above 15 pts to ensure victory. Reichard also felt right at home in his new green-robed uniform. The X-faithful were let down hard, however. A down week for Gibbs, his first game without a TD of any kind this season, still provided a solid floor. Alas, the Detroit running back and Javonte Williams alone can't hold the line. At least Loveland has found his rhythm again! That bodes well for the future of this squad.

Kitty draws Rawb next week in a fight for Thor’s hammer. Meanwhile, Bodega Cat will try to improve the 6-2 team record against McConkey Kong. It’s an Avenger against a legendary cosmic villain!

A haggard-looking Thor, hammerless, and reeking of Malört has seen better days. It must’ve been the home field advantage for the baby land sharks. They thrive in water, and the Judkins and Allen RB tandem are swimming laps around the west! And who would’ve thunk that Jameson Williams’ heroics would outshine Puka and Olave. Maybe cute can make a deep run in a league stuffed with supervillains and the man who ate too many cookies from the landlord’s daughter in Spider-Man 3. My Name Jeff looks to ride the wave against Haribo Lecter. One win away from .500, which is always a great place to be in our league.

I know that Tom’s already made some “Fat Thor” digs in the past recap. So what happened to the strongest Avenger? I mean, this is harder to watch than Mark Ruffalo interviews. While Bijan’s the number RB overall this year, he hasn’t been that impressive these last three weeks. Also, Nico scoring 2 pts is a lot like Hawkeye going, “I killed a couple Chitauri while the rest of the team was busy inventing time travel and stopping the mad titan from wiping out half the known universe.” Injuries are injuries. And Wan'Dale Robinson is being robbed of any chance to stay relevant on a Titans team in desperate need of fantasy relevancy. Here’s hoping that Frigga can come in and give this squad a much-needed pep talk.

So while the Asgardian warrior has been less than worthy this year, there’s never been a better time in the season to start the second act of the redemption story.

The burden of the Bs was unleashed on Peter Parker this week. Between Jean Grey over the summer and now Rogue, Spidey’s not doing so hot against these X-Women, is he?

Mr. Stark’s mentoring hasn’t been working so well these past few weeks. Another Western Conference champion under Doom fell. The culprit? Derrick Henry and the rest of the RB room, WRs, and flex player barely scoring over Kyle Pitts’ total score. That’s right. There’s a bit of a web block in the offense. The loss of Davante Adams stings like a spider bite, but these other guys play football too! I think Jerry Jeudy should be required to stand trial on Judge Judy. Mainly because it should be illegal to be this bad, even though that player is on the Browns. I’d put the Trey SmackDOWN on the other players on this roster, but it’s not even worth a Daily Bugle nickel to write Ted Hurst III more than I have to. Like Thor, it’s tough being an Avenger these last few weeks. Whereas Rogue is starting to thrive, especially if Barkley can stay healthy and avoid those Mr. Sinister medical staff in Philadelphia.

With that last game, Santa’s East went beast mode! Algorithm’s last-second win ensured that five out of seven Eastern Conference teams won over the West.

Merry EASTmas!

Editor’s Note: You get an extra comic from the trailer to Significant Others’ Week! It’s a great one exploring apple picking, pumpkin spice, and everything nice before we close the door on October and the second full month of NFL action. Happy Halloween everyone! Have fun and be safe!

That makes two years in a row for the Eastern Conference!

The western conference teams have a lot of work to do if they’re going to change their playoff odds and chances this season. Also, if we count Bully Maguire as a “good guy,” then that makes for only four Avenger and X-Men-aligned characters with a higher than 50% chance to make the playoffs.

In a world without Tony Stark and Steve Rodgers maybe it’s time for a new set of heroes to band together?

Maybe it’s time for New Avengers to Assemb—

Written and Directed by Rawbneto

Produced by Beerserker ‘Fat Thor’ McGrath

Executive Produced by Dr. Bodega DOOM

Art and Design by Domino

Starring the New Fellowship

…

Thor sits alone in his hut in New Asgard. Drinking Bud Light Platinums. There was something so familiar and comforting about coming back home. And that wasn’t just the Norway talking. It was the state of inebriation, Thor thought to himself.

“Avengers?! …fucking drink.”

Suddenly—a rapping at the window cut through the silence. “Avengers?! …fucking drink. Soft, muffled noises of a mic’d-up Korg talking trash to 12-year-olds in the other room. He was probably playing Fortnitemares. Thor shook his head.

His hand shook. He reached out to pull back the curtain and gasped—

It was a tree branch…hitting the window from the wind.

Thor laughed at how silly he felt. What could he possibly have thought would be outside his window this chilly, Autumn night? A ghost? Cul the Serpent?

“Mother would’ve been so happy to see me scared of Cul at this age…and this weight.”

Thor was about to draw the curtains and take another swig of his Bud Light ale when he noticed a faint dark figure standing just a few feet from his window…

It appeared to be a woman. Thor’s eyes narrowed. Focusing. She had scraggly dark hair. Her dark features obscured, save for a pair of silver moon eyes staring at the Norse god. Then her neck twitched! Snapping toward the ground. Her mouth agape, gnawing in the still, cool air.

Thor took a big step back from the window. Horrified. Spilling his beer. He looked back over his shoulder. The sounds of Fortnite strangely gone. It was quiet.

“Korg???”

Behind Thor, the door creaked open slowly. Bony, slender fingers at the top of the wooden door frame appeared, pushing it ever more open. Then a scream.

CUT TO BLACK.